Appreciation: A little goes a long way

In light of the holiday season I have been reflecting a lot on the wonderful things I have been blessed with throughout the years. I truly have been given plenty and often times I feel like I have received more than I possibly deserve. I have tried in recent times to be more giving of myself and serve those around me. I have found it a great way to form new relationships and strengthen old ones. Not to mention there is just a joy that comes from making other people’s day a little brighter. 

However, I often wonder how much we appreciate what we are given. I don’t mean just a simple thank-you when we receive a gift or a service, but do we try to make whomever may have given to us of what they have feel like the time and effort they put into the gift is truly welcome. I know this is something I need to work on and I still have a long way to go before I get to where I would like to be. I have seen all to often that those who give are often shortly forgotten and pushed aside by the busy lives of those around them.

Take my friend for example. They have always been a giving person and enjoy making people happy. However, this often turns against them in some form or another. I have seen this friend date quite a few people who at first appeared like great people. But they always ended up the same, once they got all they came for, they are gone. Especially one douche who mooched my friend for a lot of money then said douche throw them out upon finding something better.

An example of how showing appreciation can brighten somebody’s mood and make them feel included. Going into the education field I have had to do Student Teaching, which is teaching in a classroom for free for a semester while still paying college tuition. I had a number of students who struggled in my class and often felt like it was hopeless to think they could do well. At first I wanted to kind of leave these students off to the side and take the attitude that if they want to succeed they need to put forth the effort.

Of course, I knew that this wasn’t the correct course of action to take. I decided instead to let them know their effort was appreciated and that it wasn’t for nothing. I would help them to be able to do the work and walk them through the steps necessary to some to the right answer and them congratulate them for their efforts. It was amazing to see the change in their attitudes. Showing that their efforts were acknowledged and congratulate them for putting forth their best work made them want to continue to try hard and earn that success they often felt they could never achieve.

So, while I know we all have very busy days, and often a million and one things are constantly running through our minds, I make the challenge that we try to show more appreciation for those amazing people in our lives. Let’s not forget the ones that are constantly making an effort to make our days brighter and our lives easier, the ones who stick with us through the good and the bad, and the ones who bring us out the pits we dig for ourselves. I know I appreciate all those people in my life who have done that, and try to show it everyday.

I also include the following video for your viewing pleasure:

Learn to Listen

These past few months have had me thinking a lot about what has been going on around the world and especially in this country. The USA was founded on the principle that everyman could contain a set of beliefs as dictated by his own conscience. No one could force another belief upon him. If he wanted to speak in contrast to what his neighbor said, he was welcome to, and revered for stating and standing behind his beliefs. But, lately I have been seeing the opposite coming into the mainstream. In my attempts to stay informed on the latest issues, learn about what is important and understand what our country is struggling with and picking leaders who will fight for those freedoms and unalienable rights that served as a basis for this nation, I am increasingly confused.

This post is a little different than my others. While it does not relate directly with male/female relationships and dating; it does relate to what has been the topic of a few posts. That would be the importance of communication. One important aspect, perhaps the most import, is that of listening. Yes, it is good to speak your mind, and do so in a clear concise manner so that others understand your position. However, we must also listen to what the other person is saying. We can't just hear, we hear everything, the birds in the spring time, the sound of a creek running serenely through the forest, a bear roaring at us when we enter its cave. So what? Just because we hear them doesn't mean that we understand what the birds are singing about. It doesn't imply that the we have learned what the creek is trying to teach. It also doesn't signify that we know the bear is angry for trespassing (although I'm sure it's safe to assume that we would be right in that instance).

Listening is what brings about true understanding. It is when we listen that we begin to comprehend what the other person is attempting to communicate to us. Unfortunately, I feel that we have forgotten how to listen. We spend so much time learning how to speak, how to stand-up and voice our opinions, that we never bother to learn what everyone else is voicing. It seems like the rhetoric of today is to just roar louder than the bear. It doesn't matter what the other is saying, as long as we are louder (i.e. have more voices behind us).

What exactly has this lack of listening brought about? Well, I think we have many good examples in the media today. Most recently an instance has occurred where someone was asked to voice an opinion. The person happily obliged and suddenly everyone has a stick up their butt about the whole thing. This person supported a particular view, he said he stood for something, believed that the issue at hand was already resolved and should not be changed. Those who are trying to change the issue then took what this man said and threw into outrageous proportions. Not only that, they failed to listen to what the man was saying. From what he said (which after reading the whole think, I think he could have been more tactful) the other side of the issue assumed a whole lot.

They began to accuse the whole organization of being hateful. They claimed that they sought to discriminate against certain people, of which they have no actual proof. Soon after this incident, prominent leaders began saying that this organization was no longer welcome. That they shouldn't seek to establish themselves any more inside certain communities. In fact, the very thing for which the organization was being decried, was beginning to happen. Soon, the organization was being discriminated against solely based on the premiss that they, or rather the man, stated his belief on a manner.

I don't get it. He was asked a question, and he answered it. So what if it wasn't what you believe? We are entitled to our differences, are we not? Why don't we try a little harder to understand each other? Why can't we take the time to seek clarification on a matter instead of automatically assuming the worse? If someone thinks differently, we shouldn't make them our enemy, we should seek to understand their point of view. Come to a comprehension of why they think that way. We shouldn't try to change their minds, we shouldn't force them into submitting. We have to learn to listen again, to understand. I would even go as far as proposing that we learn to listen more than we roar. Maybe if we did that, we wouldn't have so many problems.

Bonus Post

You guys get a special treat this week. I am in Nevada living in a hotel. Not much to do in the evening after work so I get bored and I have decided to do a little blogging.

this bonus post is to share with you all three versions of a recent hit single that I find equally amazing. When I first heard this song, it was a cover version. I thought it was very well done. I then searched out the original and fell in love with it all over again. The rawness for eh song, and the relatability of it are what really drew me into it. It just gets to your heart. Not to mention the smooth feel of the music coupled with a throw-it-back-in-your-face attitude of the lyrics work together to bring just pure awesomeness. One could even say it is legen- wait for it... dary (sorry, I had to throw that reference in there).

Oh, and there I found another cover of this song and again I was stunned. this was was very unique. Five people playing one guitar and singing it. Now that is legendary! In fact. I discovered these three versions all within a day of each other and couldn't decide which one I liked best. I wanted to buy the song, but couldn't justify buying all three versions. It probably took me three weeks of listening to the song to finally settle on the original, and I have loved having it; plus it fit more with what I wanted the song for anyway. Alright, well, here it is. One of the best songs to come out this year.

So the video for the original by Gotye is a little weird. And, I don't get the whole painting thing at all, but this guy, along with Kimbra, are just amazing together. All out 5 star performance.

I was a little hesitant of this one at first. I don't watch Glee at all and there are only two songs that they covered that I actually liked (this being one of them). I like how they give it a little twist in the meaning and make it between siblings, very original.

And then there's these guys. What can I say, the video speaks for itself. being able to coordinate all the different parts in this fashion is truly incredible (although I feel sorry for the guy with a beard, far right; he only plays one chord that only happens five times in the song and doesn't sing. But hey, he has a beard and that makes him absolutely awesome). I feel like there could have been a little more emotion in there faces throughout, but their voices are amazing and they pull it off like champs.

My Life in Song: Part 2

Here is the next installment of my latest series. I was hoping to do more by now, but I keep forgetting the songs I want to throw in here. Anywho, this song is by Relient K and is called, "Must've Done something Right."

First off, Relient K is just amazing. I loved them from the very first time I heard one of their songs. This has long been a particular favorite. I find that it portrays how I see any relationship I am in. I feel like I have one the jackpot. The girl is definitely a step up from me. In the song there is mention to how everything the guy does and says is very cliché. That is how I am. Going with the theme of "hopeless romantic" (as is the blog) I am very old fashioned. I would definitely chase a soccer ball across town for a girl (as per the video). I believe in being chivalrous, and I think this song does a magnificent job of showing that. Great song, and fits with who I am.

that's it for this post. Laterz.

My Life in Song: Part 1

It's been a while, I know, but unfortunately I have been busy with the end of the semester and wrapping up a wonderful year of coaching ballroom. Anywho, I have decided that the next few posts are going to be inspired by music. I love music and listen to it almost incessantly. In fact, I have had a few roommates who have said I listen to my music a little too loud. This may be true, but music is a release for me. It gets emotions out and allows me to think. It helps best when I run. (I guess I should clarify a little, I don't play or write music, as much as I would like to, I just listen to it.)

Along with this, I believe it shows my hopeless romantic side. The first of the two videos that will appear in this post is by Carly Rae Jepson and is titled "Call Me Maybe." The thing I like about this song is that it would be great if a girl just came up to me at random and gave me her number. I wish I could say it has happened before, but that would be lying, and we all know where liars go. It would be one of those things that would just make my day. the other part of this video I like, that helps add to the song, is her playful nature, trying to get the boy's attention without making it look completely on purpose. The only part of the video that would not apply in my situation is the ending. Nope, would not happen. But, in all, a great song, and a well done video.

The second song is a long time favorite, at least since it came out. It is by the lovely and very talented Colbie Caillat and is called "Fallin' for You." Again, I am drawn to this song by the fact the the girl comes outright and says, "Hey, I like you." It would make life so much easier for that to actually happen rather paying this game of "Guess if the Cute Girl Likes You or Not." Another aspect of this song that I like is that fact that it's alms an unexpected attraction to the guy. Almost as if saying, give someone a chance and you'll be surprised what they can show you.

One of the Greatest

I have been debating whether or not to actually write this post. I have been wanting to do so, but I am not a big fan of talking about myself. Now those that are good friends with me may think differently, but I only boast to those who I know, and it is generally in a joking matter (it's kind of hard to explain).

Anywho, for the past little while there has been something that has been bothering me. the more I try to make sense of it, the more confused I become. I have noticed something quite intriguing that the girls I go out on dates with repeatedly say. Perhaps not word for word, but they all say more or less the same thing. Let me provide an example:

I knew this girl who was fun to spend time with. We were always joking around, laughing and just plain enjoying ourselves whenever we would run into each other on campus at BYU. I finally managed to land a couple of dates, and they were by far some of the best ones I have ever been on. After these two glorious dates, I asked her for a third, and this is where it all fell apart. She called me and proceeded to tell me that I was a great guy and she enjoyed spending time with me, but she wasn't interested in dating me.

Excuse me? I don't understand. I'm amazing? I make you happy? I should also add that at one point in time she had told me that I was funny and that she liked that about me. I have heard from countless ladies that I have met over the years that I am a great guy, thoughtful, kind, awesome, funny, among other great qualities. According to most girls' standards I am one the most eligible bachelors out there. Oh, and I will make a great husband someday (I hate that word by the way, someday, it doesn't exist). I also hear girls constantly talking about how they want a man with the same qualities. So, what's up? I am failing to see how this works. I have always known that the female mind is extremely complicated, not to mention next to impossible to understand, but this just seems beyond reason even for them. 

Ladies, if you find a guy with these qualities you so long for, why not try to get to know him. As much as I hate to admit it, I have never been on more than three dates with any one girl. I find that usually after the first two, she becomes very disinterested. Attempts to maintain contact are useless, she falls completely off the grid and any attempts to locate her are wasted. If you want to find such a guy as I am, wouldn't it make sense to spend the time trying to get to know me and find out if I truly am the type of guy you are looking for? At least, that is I would do, in fact, that is what I do, or at least try to do.

Allow me to present some further evidence of this intriguing phenomenon. I have tried my hand at the whole online dating thing. match.com, eHarmony, etc. And I have found similar reactions from these lovely ladies as well. I do my part and make contact, trying to get to know them, explain how amazing I am while trying to not come across as conceded, but nothing. There are some that give one or two responses, but it rarely goes beyond that. I can understand in some part that they may not be attracted to me in a physical sense (I have another post in the works on this, so stay tuned), but let's give this at least somewhat of an effort.

According to the women I make contact with, at least what is put in their profiles, they are looking for someone who can make them laugh, loves to travel, knows what they want to do with themselves, wants a family, enjoys being active, knows how to get enjoyment out of life. Guess what ladies, I do all these things, I have all these qualities!  I get to travel, I am pursuing my dream job, I have been told I am quite humorous by many a person, I would like to have a family; I exercise regularly, enjoy the great outdoors, etc and so forth. I would also like to mention, I have impeccable fashion sense, and can cook. I don't mean a bowl of cereal or Ramen; I mean I can cook real food. You name it I can cook it.

Despite all these amazing qualities, I remain single, without any prospects. Perhaps I am looking in the wrong places, but I highly doubt it. I do admit that I have my flaws; I am by no means perfect. However, I would think that my great qualities more than make up for it. Give a guy a chance, and he can make you laugh while talking you on the greatest adventure around the world. Well, that's all I have to say, except for a little note for the ladies, if you want a great guy who will make you the happiest girl in the world, let me know and maybe we can work something out. 

Telling the Truth: How to Let a Guy Down Easy

This blog comes in three parts. I present in the first part an argument. The two following sections are the responses of two girls that have been generous enough to provide a female perspective on the matter. After each of their responses I have included my own commentary on a few of their points and end with a summary of the point of this post. Hopefully it is instructional and very helpful to all.


Me:

With my many years at BYU (and they have indeed been many) I have met quite a few girls. Being a guy of the LDS type, I try to follow the council of my leaders and go on dates, get engaged and eventually married with kids living in a nice house in a small town. But, I digress:

In meeting girls, asking them out, and attempting to be a good Mormon boy, I have come across one main theme: Girls will often avoid the whole situation. I have experienced many a time when I called girl and she never return said phone call. I ask a girl out and she makes vague references to some type of activity, but not exactly sure and the time seems to coincide but not really (it seemed like she was trying to confuse me into backing out of the thing, but she greatly underestimated my complex thinking processes). And then there’s my favorite, The girl has a legitimate excuse and says she would love to some other time so when I call in the promised favor and she is either busy again, or some imaginary boyfriend pops up out of nowhere.

Anywho, it is rather frustrating for the guy trying to fulfill his responsibility, and sucks out his motivation to keep trying. I have talked to girls concerning the topic and they usually throw out ideas like, “I don’t want to hurt his feelings.” “I’m just not interested.” “I don’t know what to say.” Well, let me give you a few ideas.

First, you don’t want to hurt our feelings? I’ll let you in on a little secret; not saying anything hurts our feelings way more than stating the truth. It’s like the old proverb, “if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound?” Of course it does. It seems that girls have the mentality, “if I don’t see him, it’s like it never happened.” NOT TRUE! Sure, the truth may sting a little bit, but guess what ladies, we can take it. We’re men. We can get over the whole thing if we actually know what’s going on rather than sitting around wondering if she’s going to call back and slowing going from creating lame excuses for you to hating your guts and hoping you remain old maids living with hundreds of cats. (Okay, maybe that was a little harsh.) But really, tell the truth. Like the Bible says, “the truth shall make you free.” (John 8:32)

Second, you’re not interested? Great, tell us. If you try dropping hints with such things as “maybe some other time,” “I’d like to, but I’m busy,” we’re going to take you at your word and try to set up a date for “some other time” when you are not “busy.” If you don’t want to, then say, heaven forbid, NO! Maybe not with the exclamation mark, or the capitalization, but you can say no. Again, we can take it, and even more surprisingly, we’ll move on. We now know you’re not interested and move on the next uninterested girl. Yay! (by the way, Jimmy Eat World has a great song concerning this very situation. It’s called “If You Don’t, Don’t.”)

And third, you don’t know what to say? Do I really have to spell it out for you? Have you noticed a pattern yet? I don’t think I can stress it enough, TELL THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Maybe I can.)

Really, that’s all we want, straightforward answers with no hidden messages, and no clues we have to follow to unlock the treasure. Give it to us strait. I can promise, for at least most men, that we will not get angry and throw a fit, we will not break down into tears and force you to listen to our sad stories of constant rejection. We will respect your wishes (as any real man would) and we will leave you alone.

Girl 1:

Dear said boy,

I can understand your frustrations in said dating life. Be assured that it is complicated, frustrating, and discouraging to the rest of us as well. But as to your subject of writing it is true that many girls see it as "not wanting to hurt the guy." I realized the futility of such an approach and found that it works much better. The boy understands completely and although I still feel mean, it was necessary. That's not to say I say it meanly, but rather, I say it plainly. A guy has so much more respect when girl says it that way instead of going about indirectly. A boy even told me "I couldn't even be mad at you because I respected you so much" when I had told him that I was not interested in dating him. So yes, I agree with you that it should be said directly to someone if you are not interested in going out with him.

Secondly, I think there really are times when a girl is busy or she really does have a boyfriend. My point is that just because a girl says she is busy, doesn't mean she is making up a lie to avoid a date. I have had times where a boy will ask me out and I really do have something going on. BUT! with that said there are two things that are necessary to point out. Sometimes it is because the boy asks too late (but I am assuming you have figured out it is better to ask girls out early in the week). The other thing is that the girl should say something to encourage the boy. She should suggest a different time for a date or something to the extent that will communicate to the boy that she really would go on a date, but is sincerely busy. It happens.

Lastly, although I understand your frustrations, this blog entry gives the impression that you are a bit bitter. Although I understand where those feelings might come from, I also understand that you may only be slightly frustrated and not actually bitter. But for all intents and purposes, I think that blogging this particular entry would give people the impression that you are bitter at love and that might discourage those who are interested. Once again, I understand your frustrations and you are only slightly annoyed with this whole situation, but this does create the illusion of utter anger. But this is just my opinion and you do not have to agree. I believe in the ability to have separate opinions. so yes!!! I agree with your point, but feel it could be delivered in a calmer manner that might get the point across better to your female friends such as I...even though I don't know you.... I think anyway...so yeah!  Good luck and I hope things go better. But do not get discouraged.... only one has to work. I keep telling myself that...haha! I hope this helps! 

My Comments:

In regards to the first girl’s response (I do not know this girl, but did appreciate the response):

I do not mean to come across bitter, I can understand why you think that way, but hear me out on this. I do know that there are occasions when the girl truly is busy and even does have a boyfriend. In fact, I have never personally run into a situation where the girl makes up a boyfriend, but I have heard plenty of friends that are girls tell their stories of doing just that, so know that it does happen. Also, I did have a similar occurrence where I asked a girl out; she was busy and said she would love to some other time. Two days later I learn that she had a boyfriend. Why not say so? It would have avoided a very awkward conversation later on when I would have followed up on that promise of another time, luckily I discovered the truth early enough to avoid the whole situation. I have also had an experience where I asked out a girl three different times over the course of a month and a half (not usually my style, but I really like this girl), and every time she had a ward party. Really? Three ward parties in that amount of time? I highly doubt it.

I do like the idea of a girl suggesting another day and time and believe that it is something that should be utilized more often, especially if the girl is interested. This really would help the guy to keep from getting discouraged and perhaps lead to something great.

Girl 2:

As a BYU student who graduated unmarried, and spent little of her student years in any sort of official relationship, I’ve been asked on my fair share of dates. Have I ever vaguely turned down a first date? Have I ever said yes and found excuses not to go on the date later? Have I ever pretended to have a good time and agreed at the doorstep to go on a second or third date, and then managed to avoid it somehow? Yes, yes, and yes. Guilty as charged. (To my credit though I got progressively better at saying “no”, and I haven’t ever ignored a call or voicemail, and I’ve only ignored a text once…and he was a stranger who looked up my phone number on the BYU student directory. I don’t respond favorably to total strangers who mess with my personal information)

So the big question now is why? I’m not alone in this; there are plenty of other girls who do the same. We’re well aware that if we don’t say no right away then we’ll just have to say it further down the road and it will only get harder. So why not save yourself and the guy involved a lot of trouble and worry by just giving an honest “no” right off the bat?

The short answer is that it seems easier. Turning someone down is hard! By avoiding a definite “no,” to us girls it feels like we have solved the problem of not having to go on a date with a guy we don’t like while avoiding a potentially very awkward and insulting conversation…that could have awkward repercussions whenever we run into that guy at church, in class, in the library, etc. And in our eagerness to avoid our fear of confrontation, we dismiss the fact that guys are busy agonizing over what we really mean, and tell ourselves that we are helping preserve their pride and ego by being vague. We girls can be very selfish sometimes whether we mean to be or not.

There are countless sub-reasons why we may not say exactly what we mean too. Here’s a list of some of the main reasons my girl friends and me through the years have carried on this legacy of not entirely telling the truth.

1) Guilt. As we girls have all had drilled into our brains since Young Women, you never say no to a first date (unless he’s a creeper, in which case you’re excused). Once a guy has put forth the mental exertion to think up some date, and worked up the nerve to come and ask you, and offered to pay for your evening of “fun”, you owe him the courtesy of saying “yes” whether you want to or not. If you say no to a first date, you are either a total snob who is too stuck up to give a nice boy a chance and doesn’t deserve any dates anyway, or a cold-hearted merciless Amazon beast who eats men’s hearts for breakfast. Or both.

So…what if you really really know you don’t want to go? Rather than be labeled as rude or mean for saying no, we choose to be vague. We feel less guilty when we don’t actually say “no”.

2) Pity. Sure there are plenty of guys who are fed up with girls not being clear when they don’t like them and want the cold hard truth, but there are lots of insecure soft-hearted boys who won’t take the hit so well. For example, once a random guy started talking to me. He was socially awkward, not very good-looking, a poor conversationalist, and he talked just like young George McFly, but was obviously very sweet and sincere. Not to be judgmental or anything, but I wasn’t interested in a date at all. After a few minutes he asked me out. He concluded his request for a date by adding that he was used to getting turned down, so free food was the bribe.

How can any nice girl look a guy in the eye who has rejection written so clearly on his face and who obviously has taken an emotional beating in the past, and tell him straight out “no, I’m not interested in you either”? Poor boy  So…I told him I had plans. Which I did…just not at the same time. And for some reason I felt like I had done him a favor by not saying no, even though I hadn’t really.

And how do you know which ones can really take it, and which ones just put up a tough front while they get all cut up inside? It’s easier to play it safe and feel better by being vague.

3) It seems presumptuous early on. If I were to respond to every guy I didn’t want to date when he asked me out for a first or second time, “you know, you’re really cool and everything, but I’m just not interested,” I’d feel like I was saying, “I know you’re probably madly in love with me, and I can’t say that I blame you. Really though, you’re just not good enough for me, so I guess you better go find a different eternal companion,” when really, he might be thinking “hey this girl is nice and she doesn’t seem to get asked out much, so maybe she’d like going to this random concert that I have to find a date for anyway.”

4) Unclear intentions make it hard to bring up. This is kind of along the same lines as #3, just further along in the dating game. Believe it or not, girls are not mind readers. We have a hard time understanding what boys are thinking too! So sometimes it’s hard to know if a guy likes you to the point that you should let him know you’re not interested. So at what point exactly does saying a courtesy “yes” to a date get replaced with it being more polite to say an honest “no”? When should it be assumed that the guy is interested, and not just getting to know you? Some guys seem to think it’s rude to not give them a second chance, and that second dates should be accepted like first dates. Other guys think if you say yes to a second date it means you’re potentially into them. What’s a girl to do? If he asks if I want to go to dinner with him, is he really asking if I like him? Because it’s “yes” to the dinner, but “no” to dating…so, what’s the best thing to say? So it ends up being an awkward vague maybe.

Obviously some degree of interest is shown when a guy asks a girl out, but it’s just hard to gauge how much sometimes. I know for me personally, it’s easiest when they come out and say it. I’m probably a bit off the beaten path in that regard…most people seem to hate DTR’s. But if at some point between dates (after we’ve gotten to know each other well and are comfortable being open) the guy can confidently tell me he likes me, or something to that extent, then that presents an opportunity to say “well thanks I’m flattered, but no I’m not really interested in dating you” or “Yay! I’m yours!” That is waaay easier to understand and follow through with instead of something more like “Hi, want to go mini-golfing with me on Saturday?” “No, because I don’t really like you.” Not knowing what the other person is thinking make things awkward for everyone.

5) The dreaded doorstep scene. When guys ask girls out on the doorstep after a date, it puts them in a pretty tight spot. I mean really, what are you supposed to say? “No, actually, I didn’t have fun with you tonight. Sorry you wasted your money on me. Save it for another girl next time, and maybe be funnier, or don’t talk about computers the whole time, or plan a date that’s actually fun, or something. You might have more luck that way. Well, have a nice night Mr. Reject, see you in class tomorrow.”

Turning down a future date right after a date just seems like a major insult. It’s like yelling “your party was so lame I don’t want to come back next year even though it’s free” over your shoulder as you leave your friend’s birthday party. For whatever reason it feels like an insult to both the boy and the date he planned. Plus then you end with that awkwardness hanging in the air, and the next time you see each other there’s still that lingering bad feeling. I’ve definitely said “yes” to future dates when asked at the doorstep, and then turned them down when they were cashed in later. I know it’s mean to potentially get his hopes up for a future next time, and then have them dashed on the rocks. But as hard as it is to give an honest “no” when you’re not interested, it’s a lot harder when it’s compounded with the doorstep post-date scene.

So there you have it; five reasons why girls don’t say what they mean. And I don’t think it’s fair to end this without including my most recent first date story.

Once upon a time, a guy I didn’t know very well asked me on a date. I had seen him around and we had mutual friends, so I knew who he was even though I didn’t know him well personally. I wasn’t really attracted to him at all, he didn’t really stand out to me as anything special, from what I had seen of him I didn’t expect to ever be interested in him, I didn’t care if I never saw him again, I wasn’t especially excited for the event we were going to, it was really late notice and I was tired from work, and I really just didn’t want to go at all. If I had been honest with him, I would have said no to the date. If it hadn’t been such late notice I might have tried to make up excuses. But…I didn’t. The date wasn’t that great, and if he had asked me on a second date right away I probably would have tried to vaguely turn it down. Instead, he became friends with my roommates, and found reasons to be around me and doing things with me in non-date settings (Halloween costume planning and shopping together, having long random conversations about school and life, organizing movie nights with our roommates once a week, decorating sugar cookies at my apartment between sessions of Conference, planning to both be at social dance club, etc). Then finally after a couple weeks, he came right out and told me he liked me. We had still only been on one official date, but by that point I was completely smitten. I told him I liked him too, and lo and behold, now we’re married!!

But, if I had told him truthfully that I wasn’t interested when he asked me out at first, I never would have realized how wrong I was. It kind of makes me wonder how many guys I’ve missed out on through the years because I either avoidantly or honestly turned them down instead of just going on one more half-hearted courtesy date. It also makes me wonder how many guys have been turned down because the girl was so caught up in saying “yes” or “no” to the artificial atmosphere and implications of an official date that she didn’t get the chance to really get to know the guy. For our particular situation, “dates” would have probably ruined our dating experience. Or perhaps more correctly, the stigma that gets worked up around dates would have ruined it because I would have been worried about what was correct protocol instead of just getting to know him.

Oh this dating game is such a sticky mess of miscommunications and uncertainty! I’m just glad I don’t have to play it anymore 

My Final Comments:

Now, as to the second girl. She makes some very good points and I agree 100% that the situations are pretty iffy when it comes to saying yes or no. I have come to understand the whole purpose behind girls saying yes to a majority of first dates. I respect it and in certain occasions, am grateful for it. The first day is for getting to know someone better. The interactions on a date are very different and it takes a while to get out of that “nervous zone” (this is a topic for an upcoming post). So, as stated, unless the guy is a complete and total “creeper,” please say yes.

The doorstep is an awkward time in the whole dating process. As a guy I never know what to say or to expect. I would almost never ask a girl on a second date at the door (I must confess I have done it once) so I can understand that one. Unclear intentions? That is the purpose of a DTR, to figure out what exactly is going one. You don’t have to decide the rest of your lives based on only two dates, but if you know for sure you’re not interested, then say so. I do believe that after a few dates, perhaps three or four, you should be able to at least say if you want to keep getting to know each other or not, even if you don’t declare boyfriend/girlfriend status.

To summarize, the purpose of this post is to try to get girls to understand that they don’t have to be afraid to tell a guy no. I get that in certain situations it may appear rude to say “no” but don’t put it off too long, and definitely do not avoid it all together. I think the different perspectives help to illustrate that point and hopefully inspire some to do better.