Dating has been described in numberless ways (sorry for the cliché, but any other term or phrase made the opener sound awkward). Though countless songs, books, movies, and sleepover pillow talks have been dedicated to the subject, it never seems to get old. As insatiable as hormones and as irresistible as oreos, dating is ubiquitous.
I have often been said to have a….unique perspective on how things work. Perhaps that’s why I was invited to submit a snapshot of my views on the subject. I am not the world’s most amazing writer, but hopefully Jono’s blog isn’t popular enough yet to broadcast my weakness to too much of the cyber world.
Let’s begin with trolling for memories. Think back to the last experience you had with YouTube—yeah, think all the way back to last night. If your experiences parallel mine in any way, someone will have showed you one of their favorite videos. Now, before we merge onto that highway of thought, let’s think about this YouTube phenomenon to begin with.
YouTube hosts over 60 million videos. Of that, I reckon less than one percent could pass as funny. I don’t know where people get off thinking they’re going to be lucky enough to find something laughable out of that pool, but maybe they see the search as a challenge. Finding something worthwhile out of that pool of videos is the equivalent of finding the perfect date—given that we all continue to date, I guess it should be no surprise people surf YouTube as diligently as they do. Final thought, perhaps if those individuals spent as much time trying to find a suitable mate as they do scrolling through the latest attempts at digital comedy, maybe our world’s population would have hit the seven billion mark a long time ago.
Back to our stroll down memory.
Someone comes up to you and announces that they have a YouTube video that you just have to see. You pray that your laptop has magically disappeared, but alas! They locate it and begin the quick navigation to the popular video upload site. People always seem surprised to find that I don’t have YouTube bookmarked on my browser. What they don’t know is that this is one of my futile attempts to keep them from doing just what they’re doing. There’s always some chance that they won’t be able to spell YouTube properly, that Firefox will fail, or that the heavens will love me enough to smite my laptop battery. By not bookmarking, I give the big man more time to work a miracle or technology to fail. To date, this strategy has never worked, but you can’t blame a guy for trying.
Once the video has been located, the ritual begins. They explain to me, through more laughter than my aunt on nitrous oxide, how this video is the greatest thing since we imported the taco while I try and check how long I’m going to be pinned watching the video and the number of other poor saps forced to watch the same video. The funny thing about YouTube is that they don’t give a proper feedback method for views under duress. When the counter tells me there were 125,000 views, I can only imagine the concourses of suckers who were stuck in a room watching the video without the ability to click the “dislike” button enough times to give the uploader a proper feel for the plague they put on our lives.
As the video begins, and I realize how lame that it is. I have some big decisions to make, each with their unique set of consequences. Should I choose to express my true feelings of disgust and not laugh at another animal voice over? Then I risk being ridiculed by the person I’m with and being accused of having “no sense of humor” or even worse, offending them for not agreeing with their love of a four minute torture fest.
Should I choose to avoid that route, I find myself taking cues from the person showing me the video and laughing whenever they do. At the conclusion of the video, I join them in quoting it and raving about it. The catch to that side? THEY SHOW ME ANOTHER ONE! Why on Earth don’t these YouTube uploaders believe in being one-hit wonders??? Why must every person have a series of videos??? I don’t get it! Even YouTube celebrities that had only one hit personally (Rebecca Black for instance) became installments in a series as a whole planet of YouTube cultists parody their videos! Curse the techie who created the featured video bar! Next thing you know, I’m a captive audience to minute after minute of videos that I don’t care to watch—trapped in my own good intentions.
Of course, it could be worse; it could be a blind date, right?
What’s the difference? You tell me.
Let’s say that your friend sets you up. They have looked through the more than 60 million potential applicants for the less than one percent that would work for you. Then, they convince you to meet this one person. Vegas couldn’t get away with odds that bad, but your friend? Why the heck not? You meet this “date of your dreams” and are forced to go on a date with them to keep from hurting your friend’s feelings. Then come the decisions: if the date is going badly and there’s no instant connection, what do you do? Similar to forcible viewing of YouTube, you can’t just back out and leave. Imagine the labels you’d get stuck with if you were honest and wanted to communicate it:
“Hey Rhonda, I’m going to level with you. You aren’t half as attractive as my friend said you were. I feel we have nothing in common and are struggling to make any sort of meaningful connection. Quite honestly, my time would be much better invested in my chemistry homework than in seeking chemistry with you. Let’s just call it quits because quite frankly, I have no interest in you.”
Yeah, that would go over well, three minutes into the date!
No, you end up sticking it out just like the time you watched auto-tuned news reports instead of writing a term paper.
And not only do you stick it out, you pretend to like it! What a bunch of liars this dating game creates! You laugh, ask questions while praying the whole time that you’d go the way of the Dougie dancer and get hit by an ice cream truck (another video you’ve been forced to sit through). Alas, you continue forward with your deceitful game ‘til the end of the date. Common sense and the law of mercy tell us that you’d just part ways and move on. However, our YouTube game wins over. It never works. The “x” in the corner remains untouched as you are forced through the motions of continued activity. What’s the featured video now? The exchange of formalities and the doorstep scene. A double-header just for your viewing pleasure!
You tell your date you’ve had a wonderful time and they agree saying you should meet up again sometime. You make half-hearted plans to do so, but warn them about your scheduled brain surgery and tell them not to be offended if you forget to call as a result. Then you part at the doorstep and home free, right? WRONG! Your friend asks what you thought about it! Just like their favorite YouTube video, you cannot tell them it was akin to contracting scarlet fever while rappelling into the crater of an active volcano. How good would it feel to be honest?
“You know what Sandy? It sucked! I don’t know where you find guys like that! Did you honestly think we’d be compatible? If so, Charlie must’ve bit more than just your finger! Holy cow, girl, get ahold of yourself! You have my permission to never consider setting me up again. Now, make me a sandwich!”
But of course, we play the civil person and pretend we loved it and thank them for the opportunity, thus encouraging them to continue their actions under the pretense that you enjoy being showed videos of ranting minorities and, of course, dating their friends.
I apologize if I was not able to make any of my points clear over the previous thousand words. Please, just do this for me. Next time you’re forced to watch a YouTube video or go on a blind date, compare the experiences. The mirror image of the two is almost disturbing.
