A show of Interest (The Guy)

This post is brought to you by my friend Jeff. He gives us insight on how a guy might show a girl that he is interested in her. The girls perspective should be coming soon. Until then enjoy this little gem.

When I am interested in a girl, I will ask them out on a date—plain and simple, although I may not always have the courage to do so. Yet I am also a person who does not believe on going on dates with people who I am just friends with or for the sake of dating. A date means that I am interested in getting to know you, possibly make a friend, or just see if she is interested in me. But mostly, I am seeing if I want to do more with you or develop a relationship with you—no frates (friend dates).

If it is a girl that I’m only kind of interested in or don’t know her well enough to ask her out on a date, then I will try to put myself in positions that can allow for me to see her or get into one-on-one conversations with her. This may not be the normal way of doing things or what works best, but it works for me since I am the kind of guy that works best with personal conversations and not big group conversations, events, or activities. I will try to strike up conversations with the girl I want to pursue or try to find a mutual friend, activity, or interest where I can see/communicate that I am interested in her (i.e. flirting or talking).

I do know a couple friends that prefer to hang-out with a girl before asking them out on a date in order to see if they can become interested in a girl; however, that process takes longer and tends to lead to more friendzoning with women than success (at least from what I can tell). I think this is mainly from the lack of people beginning their relationship with the open idea that this person could be a possible boyfriend or girlfriend. Hanging-out situations tend to disregard that option for a care free activity that relinquishes any responsibility to either party. Yet this relinquishing of responsibility from having to put in effort towards a relationship is what leads to poor or unsuccessful relationships. With this in mind, I prefer to be straight up in my interest, let the woman know it is a date, and hope that she is someone looking to be in a relationship from the dating first and then hangout as the dating becomes more serious.

A Study of Interest

Lately I have been thinking quite a bit on how to show someone you are interested. This has often proven to be a difficult task. An even more difficult one is that of determining if the other person is interested in me. I always go back and forth in my mind trying to determine whether the girl likes or not. If she wants to date me or if she just wants to be friends. It would be easier if we could be forth coming about how much interest we have in a person, but that seems to be a social taboo for one reason or another.

Dwelling on this matter causes me to reflect on the book turned film He’s just not that into You. In this film, the character played by Justin Long gives the following advice. If a guy is interested in you, he will do whatever it takes to be with you. It doesn’t matter what it is, he will make it happen. This is actually almost entirely true. From my experience, and those of friends that I have discussed this matter with, if someone is interested, they want to be around you. They find the time, they offer suggestions of possible activities. They do what it takes to be with that person.

My sister once told me that if a girl likes you, she will talk with you. I have found this to be an interesting take on the matter. In some sense, if the girl doesn’t want to date you, or if she doesn’t like you, she isn’t likely to go through the effort to talk with you and carry on a conversation, which can be difficult for some (yours truly included). I guess it kind of goes along the lines of the previously mentioned point, if they like you, they will make it happen.

That’s all great and all, but there is also a lot of ambiguity in the two statements. The problem then arises, “To what extent does the person like me?” Is this just a strict friendship, or is it open to something more? I do I tell to what level the person of interest is interested in me? Ultimately, it often boils down to one thing. At some point you have to talk to the other person and explicitly announce your affection for them and the desire to move things up a level. Like any type of relationship, it requires communication. 

Then I run into following problem, how long do I have to wait before the discussion of a more serious relationship takes place? No one has ever given me a definite answer to this question. The most common I have seen is after three or four dates there should occur, what is often termed among the Mormon culture, a DTR (Defining the Relationship). This is a conversation where the two people discuss what they want out the relationship. Where they see it going. And lastly, if there is any mutual attraction at all. But, there is no standard as to when this should take place.

While three or four dates is the most common, there are still a number of people that would suggest five or six, or even wait a month to a month and a half of casual dating take place before a DTR takes place to determine if a more serious, mutually exclusive relationship will form between the couple. You see the problem? There are so many varying opinions that it proves impossible for a person, such as myself, to plan anything out. 

Due to the presented issues at hand, I am determined to attempt a structured, though albeit completely informal, study to determine if there is more consistency to the matter at hand then we are led to believe. The following posts will hopefully provide some more insight into the strange ritual we call dating and courtship. If nothing else, it will hopefully give me some insight into how this thing is supposed to work. 

Now let’s hope that it all works out according to plan.

A Time for Change?

I have had a number of conversations with a good friend lately. We discuss what it is like to meet a person, talk to them, ask them out, etc. It is interesting to see how our views differ on dating. These talks have also got me thinking about just how dating is supposed to work. I understand a lot of key aspects of dating and relationships, but there has always been one thing that I have never been able to figure out, let alone even begin to understand. 

My friend is constantly telling me how I need to just tell a girl that I like her. That I am interested in her and would like to date her. Don’t go through this three or four date cycle wondering and speculating, trying to find out if this girl is really interested me, just tell her what I want. This has seemed a little crazy to me, and also has been a very fruitless endeavor. I have tried a few times, after a few dates, to tell a girl that I like her and would like to date her exclusively, but the result has often been a negative one. 

Not only has that result been a negative one, but has almost entirely resulted in a complete 180 from the person of interest. Not only will she claim to not reciprocate the feelings, but she then completely ignores me and treats me as if I am some kind of creeper/stalker. I have yet to determine exactly why this occurs. 

I understand that I have some, let’s say interesting, quirks. However, I do not believe that my personality warrants such treatment. I have often toyed with the idea of when meeting a girl saying something to the effect, “I think you’re pretty cute, and I have enjoyed meeting you, perhaps you would like to grab dinner with me sometime?” Or even a situation where I see this girl and would like to meet her, I say something like, “Hey I like that shirt (or hair style, eyes, smile, etc). I’m Jono, would you like to grab an ice cream with me.”

Of course, it always works out in my head, but then I run into the problem of the girl thinking I’m a little strange and weird and being completely turned off to the idea. Thus, I have resorted to doing nothing and continue on my way not having said a word. 

Now my question is, should I be changing my tactics? Is there really some magical phrase like “I want to date you?” Would a girl be open to a guy coming up to her and saying right off the back, “Hey, you’re pretty cute.” Maybe someone could shed some light on this subject?

I suppose that I should delve a little more into my background with my interactions with the women folk to provide a clearer picture of what happens. Let’s just say in brief that I can be extremely shy if not awkward around girls. I find it difficult to think of things to talk about. I never know what to do on dates. I like to try to come up with things that will be fun, but can be difficult when you don’t know the person, as well as something I would enjoy and be comfortable doing. I usually end up deciding to have her come over to my place and cook her dinner. Not very original, but it is great for conversation. Plus I love to cook, I and I cook very well.

This usually goes well, but to be honest, I never know how to approach the next part. (I was once told that when it comes to dating, I am like a dog chasing a car. I wouldn’t know what to do with it once I catch it.) I try to keep in touch with texting (which I absolutely abhor, by the way, but participate in the social norm to appease the masses), inviting her over, or to go to some social event. You know, something that isn’t in a date setting but still allows us to spend time together and continue to get to know each other. There will then be a second and third date and that is where things start to go awry. It’s an interesting feeling having a girl avoid you like the plague for no apparent reason.

Maybe I take a little too long to reach the point where I would tell the girl I would like to date her more. But, is it wrong that I like to get to know someone before bringing up the topic? Again, is there a set time frame to follow? Also, is it too much to ask that I feel like the girl is reciprocating my feelings in at least some degree? I don’t think so.

Well, perhaps this mystery is one that will never be solved. I suppose I will continue my search for answers and if I come up with anything I will let you all know.

A Ruined Friendship

I recently had a conversation with a friend that got me thinking about something very interesting. She was in town visiting and had made some plans with a good friend of hers that she admittedly mentioned she was interested in. We talked about how she was a little confused if he could be possibly interested in her as well and if she should do anything about it. And then she said something that made me think, and even laugh a little. It is something that I have heard on numerous occasions, but yet I have never understood it as it tends to contradict another statement I hear from girls about just as much. The first is, “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” The second, “I married my best friend.” (The second is obviously said after marriage.)

It doesn’t make sense, girls look forward to someone who is their best friend and do everything best friends would do, but yet they don’t want to chance ruining a friendship due to dating? How in the world does this logic even connect. I can understand somewhat the hesitation with wanting to date a good friend, but in my mind, if you are really friends, especially ones who do a ton of things together and enjoy each others company, why not give it a shot? The way I see one of two things will happen, things work out and you get to live happily ever after, or things don’t. If it does end and you end up not being friends afterwards, then maybe you just didn’t know each other as much as you did. Relationships have a tendency of changing people, usually from the people you think they are, to those who they really are. 

If you truly were good friends and things didn’t work out, then you should be able to continue being friends. Most people would say that it is not a good idea to remain friends with your ex, but I have always thought, why not? Just because you aren’t a good match for dating doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends. The few girls I have dated, when it ended I put forth the effort to stay friends, but at some point they decided it wasn’t worth it (at least I assume) and they faded away. Oh well. 

Well, perhaps somebody can explain to me the reasoning that goes on in a girls mind when they say something like this. As of yet I have to hear a good one. There you go, just a little thought I had.

Appreciation: A little goes a long way

In light of the holiday season I have been reflecting a lot on the wonderful things I have been blessed with throughout the years. I truly have been given plenty and often times I feel like I have received more than I possibly deserve. I have tried in recent times to be more giving of myself and serve those around me. I have found it a great way to form new relationships and strengthen old ones. Not to mention there is just a joy that comes from making other people’s day a little brighter. 

However, I often wonder how much we appreciate what we are given. I don’t mean just a simple thank-you when we receive a gift or a service, but do we try to make whomever may have given to us of what they have feel like the time and effort they put into the gift is truly welcome. I know this is something I need to work on and I still have a long way to go before I get to where I would like to be. I have seen all to often that those who give are often shortly forgotten and pushed aside by the busy lives of those around them.

Take my friend for example. They have always been a giving person and enjoy making people happy. However, this often turns against them in some form or another. I have seen this friend date quite a few people who at first appeared like great people. But they always ended up the same, once they got all they came for, they are gone. Especially one douche who mooched my friend for a lot of money then said douche throw them out upon finding something better.

An example of how showing appreciation can brighten somebody’s mood and make them feel included. Going into the education field I have had to do Student Teaching, which is teaching in a classroom for free for a semester while still paying college tuition. I had a number of students who struggled in my class and often felt like it was hopeless to think they could do well. At first I wanted to kind of leave these students off to the side and take the attitude that if they want to succeed they need to put forth the effort.

Of course, I knew that this wasn’t the correct course of action to take. I decided instead to let them know their effort was appreciated and that it wasn’t for nothing. I would help them to be able to do the work and walk them through the steps necessary to some to the right answer and them congratulate them for their efforts. It was amazing to see the change in their attitudes. Showing that their efforts were acknowledged and congratulate them for putting forth their best work made them want to continue to try hard and earn that success they often felt they could never achieve.

So, while I know we all have very busy days, and often a million and one things are constantly running through our minds, I make the challenge that we try to show more appreciation for those amazing people in our lives. Let’s not forget the ones that are constantly making an effort to make our days brighter and our lives easier, the ones who stick with us through the good and the bad, and the ones who bring us out the pits we dig for ourselves. I know I appreciate all those people in my life who have done that, and try to show it everyday.

I also include the following video for your viewing pleasure:

Learn to Listen

These past few months have had me thinking a lot about what has been going on around the world and especially in this country. The USA was founded on the principle that everyman could contain a set of beliefs as dictated by his own conscience. No one could force another belief upon him. If he wanted to speak in contrast to what his neighbor said, he was welcome to, and revered for stating and standing behind his beliefs. But, lately I have been seeing the opposite coming into the mainstream. In my attempts to stay informed on the latest issues, learn about what is important and understand what our country is struggling with and picking leaders who will fight for those freedoms and unalienable rights that served as a basis for this nation, I am increasingly confused.

This post is a little different than my others. While it does not relate directly with male/female relationships and dating; it does relate to what has been the topic of a few posts. That would be the importance of communication. One important aspect, perhaps the most import, is that of listening. Yes, it is good to speak your mind, and do so in a clear concise manner so that others understand your position. However, we must also listen to what the other person is saying. We can't just hear, we hear everything, the birds in the spring time, the sound of a creek running serenely through the forest, a bear roaring at us when we enter its cave. So what? Just because we hear them doesn't mean that we understand what the birds are singing about. It doesn't imply that the we have learned what the creek is trying to teach. It also doesn't signify that we know the bear is angry for trespassing (although I'm sure it's safe to assume that we would be right in that instance).

Listening is what brings about true understanding. It is when we listen that we begin to comprehend what the other person is attempting to communicate to us. Unfortunately, I feel that we have forgotten how to listen. We spend so much time learning how to speak, how to stand-up and voice our opinions, that we never bother to learn what everyone else is voicing. It seems like the rhetoric of today is to just roar louder than the bear. It doesn't matter what the other is saying, as long as we are louder (i.e. have more voices behind us).

What exactly has this lack of listening brought about? Well, I think we have many good examples in the media today. Most recently an instance has occurred where someone was asked to voice an opinion. The person happily obliged and suddenly everyone has a stick up their butt about the whole thing. This person supported a particular view, he said he stood for something, believed that the issue at hand was already resolved and should not be changed. Those who are trying to change the issue then took what this man said and threw into outrageous proportions. Not only that, they failed to listen to what the man was saying. From what he said (which after reading the whole think, I think he could have been more tactful) the other side of the issue assumed a whole lot.

They began to accuse the whole organization of being hateful. They claimed that they sought to discriminate against certain people, of which they have no actual proof. Soon after this incident, prominent leaders began saying that this organization was no longer welcome. That they shouldn't seek to establish themselves any more inside certain communities. In fact, the very thing for which the organization was being decried, was beginning to happen. Soon, the organization was being discriminated against solely based on the premiss that they, or rather the man, stated his belief on a manner.

I don't get it. He was asked a question, and he answered it. So what if it wasn't what you believe? We are entitled to our differences, are we not? Why don't we try a little harder to understand each other? Why can't we take the time to seek clarification on a matter instead of automatically assuming the worse? If someone thinks differently, we shouldn't make them our enemy, we should seek to understand their point of view. Come to a comprehension of why they think that way. We shouldn't try to change their minds, we shouldn't force them into submitting. We have to learn to listen again, to understand. I would even go as far as proposing that we learn to listen more than we roar. Maybe if we did that, we wouldn't have so many problems.

Bonus Post

You guys get a special treat this week. I am in Nevada living in a hotel. Not much to do in the evening after work so I get bored and I have decided to do a little blogging.

this bonus post is to share with you all three versions of a recent hit single that I find equally amazing. When I first heard this song, it was a cover version. I thought it was very well done. I then searched out the original and fell in love with it all over again. The rawness for eh song, and the relatability of it are what really drew me into it. It just gets to your heart. Not to mention the smooth feel of the music coupled with a throw-it-back-in-your-face attitude of the lyrics work together to bring just pure awesomeness. One could even say it is legen- wait for it... dary (sorry, I had to throw that reference in there).

Oh, and there I found another cover of this song and again I was stunned. this was was very unique. Five people playing one guitar and singing it. Now that is legendary! In fact. I discovered these three versions all within a day of each other and couldn't decide which one I liked best. I wanted to buy the song, but couldn't justify buying all three versions. It probably took me three weeks of listening to the song to finally settle on the original, and I have loved having it; plus it fit more with what I wanted the song for anyway. Alright, well, here it is. One of the best songs to come out this year.

So the video for the original by Gotye is a little weird. And, I don't get the whole painting thing at all, but this guy, along with Kimbra, are just amazing together. All out 5 star performance.

I was a little hesitant of this one at first. I don't watch Glee at all and there are only two songs that they covered that I actually liked (this being one of them). I like how they give it a little twist in the meaning and make it between siblings, very original.

And then there's these guys. What can I say, the video speaks for itself. being able to coordinate all the different parts in this fashion is truly incredible (although I feel sorry for the guy with a beard, far right; he only plays one chord that only happens five times in the song and doesn't sing. But hey, he has a beard and that makes him absolutely awesome). I feel like there could have been a little more emotion in there faces throughout, but their voices are amazing and they pull it off like champs.