Who Am I?

While pondering on a question my psychologist posed to me during our last session, I have made multiple attempts to try and answer it. At least, to myself. I have racked my brain, for an answer to this questions, trying to determine why it is so important, as well as find an elegant manner in which to explain it. The question that has been on my mind for the past month is the following: 

“Why do you define yourself based on your relationships?”

We have talked a lot about how to work on my social anxiety. Their are many aspects of my character and personality type that really don’t make sense. For example, how I am perfectly capable of standing up in front of a class of thirty plus kids and teach them about History or Spanish without thinking twice about if what I say or do will come across as weird, creepy, or unintelligible. I could even get in front of a Football stadium filled with tens of thousands of people and speak for an hour on any topic with out even an ounce of nervousness coursing through my body.

Yet, when it comes to having to interact socially with people, make new friends, or even ask out a girl, it suddenly becomes life or death. Everything I say or do is suddenly being analyzed by everyone. One slip up and my world could shatter and collapse in on itself. One tiny mistake and I will be an outcast forever. It may seem extreme (believe me, it sounds ridiculous just writing about it) yet that is exactly how I see things.

Another part I have been trying to come with terms with, is why people will say how much they enjoy doing things with me such as talking, watching movies, going hiking, whatever it may be; and yet, unless I put forth all the effort to make any plans, organize an activity down to the last detail, we rarely see each other. Even after sending the invites, there’s usually only about 2 people out of ten who will actually show up, or even respond. I get tired of making all the effort and eventually just lose touch with the person.

It is something that has never made sense. And having a logical mindset as I do, when something doesn’t make sense, I have to try and make sense of it. I have yet to do this. Time and time again I have had people enter my life,we become quick friends, have wicked awesome adventures, and then quickly lose touch with other.

So, why does this matter so much to me? Why is it that I could honestly have a bunch of acquaintances as friends, yet choose not to? Why do I try so hard to maintain a relationship, or even make or force one to happen, when the other person is hardly interested at all? To be honest, I have no idea.

Growing up I was always taught the age old golden rule of “do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” This makes sense to me, and is something I have strived for throughout my life. By no means am I a master of it, but I try. I will quickly drop whatever I am doing to help out a friend, or even a stranger. I try to be nice to everyone I meet, I try to not leave people out, and work hard at making sure everyone feels included in whatever activity I am participating in. It is difficult, especially when you try to offer your assistance, and nine times out of ten, are turned down completely. This becomes even more difficult when you are introverted, and don’t often say a whole lot.

That may be another part of the issue. I hate small talk. I wish I could just skip right to the main course, the cream of the crop. Discuss what ever I or the other person are passionate about. I find it much more fulfilling than the simple “talk about the weather” conversations. To add to that, if I don’t have anything to say, I don’t say anything. I am perfectly comfortable sitting in complete silence, but others aren’t, and it seems to bother them.

So, again, why do I define myself by my relationships? Why does it matter so much? I honestly believe that the way we show who we are is by how we treat others, and by how they treat us in return. This is why I struggle so much with this problem. I have always been taught, and truly believe, that if you are nice to someone, and make them feel like you actually want them around, they would respond in kind. Yet this rarely happens. I have a few close friends, two best friends I grew up with and hardly see, yet we still talk every now and then. When I go home to visit we always get together and make time for each other. But when it comes to people that I live close to, it seems as though being my friend just never fits into their schedule.

How does this make me define myself? How do I take their lack of effort to be friends, to include me in their social circles, or to even send me a text once in a while asking me how I am doing, or to respond to mine and make somewhat of an effort to talk to me, rather than just answering questions? 

It makes me feel like I’m worthless. It makes me feel like they don’t actually enjoy having me around. It makes me feel left out and forgotten. It makes me feel invisible. And frankly, I am tired of it all. I’m tired of trying, of putting forth effort and getting none back. It is exhausting and I feel like I have reached my breaking point. It makes me rethink any type of new relationship, friend, coworker, significant other, whatever it may be. Why try over and over again, when they all end the same? 

So, again, who am I? I am the guy that tries his best. I am the guy that will always help out whenever the need arises. I am the guy who will work harder than the rest to achieve his dreams. I am the guy who tries his hardest to do what he knows to be right, even if he is the only one. I am the guy who will be everyone’s friend, whether or not they want to be mine. I am that guy, and will always be that guy, and I have no reason to change. I may never know why people forget about me, but I will never forget about them. I will always put my all into every type of relationship I make with others, or at least put forth my best effort to give my all. That is who I am. So, now I ask, “who are you?