Now's the Time...

Lately people have been telling me a phrase that is really starting to get on my nerves. I'm not exactly sure why that is, and to some extent the context in which it is used makes some sense, but for the most part I find it bothersome. Allow me to share a few examples with you and attempt to explain my reasoning for this irritation.

First: I have been seriously considering grad school. Having recently graduated and with the lack of full time work, I figure it would be a great opportunity to continue with my schooling, since it's something I plan on doing anyway, not to mention, I found a few schools that would be great for the area of study I would like to pursue. I have talked about this with a few people and almost all of them approach this from the same angle. Now is the time to consider more schooling. With my current situation in life it would be a wonderful opportunity and the best time to pursue a master's degree. 

Second: Being in the military (even if it only be the reserves) I have been considering deploying. I figure it would be a great way to earn some extra cash, see a part of the world I probably wouldn't visit otherwise, and experience something not many people get to experience in their lifetime. The main reason I would like to fulfill a deployment is to earn some extra cash that would be great for paying of student loans. Once again when discussing the matter with friends and family, the same phrase often arises during the course of the conversation, "Now is the time to do something like that if you want to." There are other situations as well in which this phrase comes up (such as traveling and such), but those are the two most common.

I suppose I should also give details as to why "now is the time." It seems that at every use of the phrase, everyone is pointing directly to the fact that I am still single. I hear the sentence and it is almost as if there are certain things that no longer become an option once I decide to get married and begin a family. Maybe I am missing something here, but isn't being married supposed to make life better. The way I see it, being married would only make these experiences more worthwhile and fulfilling. 

Now, I can understand that being on a deployment would be difficult with a family. Being apart for three to six months without being able to see each other aside from the occasional video chat and random phone calls can be difficult. But, the way I see it, I would rather have someone back home that I absolutely care about and know is there supporting me and whom I get to come home to when all is said and done. I see that as a better option than being there with nothing or no one to come home to.

As for grad school. Again, I see it as a much better situation if I have someone who is supporting me through that time. Sure it can be stressful, and require lots of time. It may even put an extra strain on finances, but isn't that part of the whole growing experience as a couple. Working through those tough time together. The way I see it, it just provides extra opportunity to grow closer to my wife and get to know each other that much more. Again, I believe it would be a much better experience for  me being married compared to the alternative. 

Overall, I think the main reason why this phrase tends to bug me every time it is said is probably because it seems that once I am married I will no longer have access to certain opportunities that I have being single. The way I see it, I would have even more options added to the ones I have now. Not to mention, there are things that would much rather experience while married than I would being single. Take traveling for example: 

I have gotten to do quite a bit of traveling during my single years and I have enjoyed it. However, most of that traveling has been by myself. Even if that traveling has been with others, such as this cruise I went on last summer, I don't see those people anymore so I have no one with whom to reminisce. I would have much rather have experienced those thing with some one I am close to. What would be even better is if it was someone who I got to spend the rest of my time with and look back on those experiences with joy and excitement. Doesn't that sound so much better than experiencing life on your own. I have been doing the single thing for 27 years. While it has been a great experience so far, and I have gotten to do some truly wonderful things, I would much rather move on with my life and experience the future with some one else and remember it for lifetimes to come.

The way I see it, marriage is not limiting (which unfortunately it seems many see it that way) but it is unlimited. The options are endless when it comes to sharing life with someone else and makes life infinitely more enjoyable. So I pose the question: Why limit my experiences to that of the single life when I can open up more with that of the married life?

A Show of Interest (The Girl)

Here is the girl's perspective from my friend Brittany of how she would show a guy she is interested along with some insight on a guy should show that he is interested. Enjoy. Also, if you like this and want to read more by Brittany, you can check out her blog here: www.notalwaysgold.com

How do I show a guy I'm interested..?  Well, I know this answer can vary from girl to girl but for me I think that I give off a natural glow or "spark" even.  Like if there's the instant attraction/interest when I meet a guy you can see if my eyes.  With that said, that kind of attraction rarely happens to me (those are definitely my favorite kind though).  But a more general response to that question is I'll pay attention to what he's saying, give eye contact and smile.  Again, that's more of when I first meet a guy.  But then once the "game" starts after we part ways I'll try my very best to not text him.  Because ultimately I would rather him text me first because if he texts me it means I was on his mind without having to do anything which shows some level of interest.  But sometimes I'm not very patient and I don't mind being forward so I'll spend about 10 minutes coming up with a sly way of contacting him so it looks more like it was necessary rather than because I wanted to.  Yeah, I definitely over think things and make it a tad more complicated that it could be but again, I want him to be a man about it and initiate anything that leads to us being more than friends.  From that point on when it comes to him talking to me or showing interest I'll reciprocate by being flirty back or just keep the conversation going.  That may not be the answer a guy would want to hear from me since it could just look like I'm being nice by talking to him but the guys I'm not interested in that show interest in me and initiate conversations and stuff, I generally don't respond to.  If there's some level of friendship there I'll respond but keep it vague and try to kill the conversation.  I'm horrible at rejecting guys (gotten better but still working on it) and really, most those guys just send me a message on Facebook and that's just lame anyways.  And for the few guys that ask for my number over Facebook and I'm not interested, I don't give it to them.  So yeah, to summarize: a guy will know I'm interested in him by the fact that I'm responsive to him in person and not.  He should be worried if I'm not responding or I'm vague when I do.  Sorry dudes!  Now, if we're on our first date and a guy is wondering about my interest level my response to that is again, I'll be responsive to him, eye contact, pay attention to him, etc. He should be worried if I'm looking around or asking him to repeat part of the conversation.  And when it comes to the physical attraction I try to keep my hands to myself in general (because I HATE initiating holding hands, first kiss, etc. And I know that from experience, I tested it once).  But with that said, I would try to be playful and touch his arm or shoulder to show I'm interested and to show it's okay to touch me.

When it come to guys showing interest in me, again back to what I mentioned before.  By him initiating conversations and things with me, it shows that I crossed his mind and he thought of me naturally.  And then when it comes to seeing each other by him asking me out on a date compared to asking me to "hang out" makes it more clear.  I'm a literal person and if you ask me to hang out I'm expecting to meet a guy somewhere, pay my way and be "neutral" towards him.  And by that I mean I won't be as flirty as I would be if it was intitally called a "date".  And for a date I would expect him to pick me up, open my door and pay for me.  Again, it just makes things more clear and shows the intention of things and what to expect.  Because if a guy asks to "hang out" it tells me that he's not interested in being more than friends and if he isn't willing to take me on a real date then he's not my type.  But when we're on a date and things are vibing well, I prefer him to be playful and somewhat sassy.  That's how I am when I flirt and it's fun to have playful banter when getting to know someone.  It shows they can let their guard down and just go with the flow.  And then the next thing is for him to touch my arm or shoulders sporadically.  Some physical contact is nice and then at some point holding my hand is a great way of showing he's interested.  Then from there it's whatever flows.  Over the next few dates and as things progress on their own it will be because of that initial mutual interest.  I also think it's important to be consistent.  If a guy shows interest but pulls back it can get confusing and almost not worth my time.  Games are fun in the very beginning but once there's been a few consecutive dates and there's been the first kiss I'm not a fan of a guy showing less interest in me and being a player about it.  Doesn't mean he has to be my boyfriend at that point, but just stay consistent with where we're at and only move forward - not back.

A show of Interest (The Guy)

This post is brought to you by my friend Jeff. He gives us insight on how a guy might show a girl that he is interested in her. The girls perspective should be coming soon. Until then enjoy this little gem.

When I am interested in a girl, I will ask them out on a date—plain and simple, although I may not always have the courage to do so. Yet I am also a person who does not believe on going on dates with people who I am just friends with or for the sake of dating. A date means that I am interested in getting to know you, possibly make a friend, or just see if she is interested in me. But mostly, I am seeing if I want to do more with you or develop a relationship with you—no frates (friend dates).

If it is a girl that I’m only kind of interested in or don’t know her well enough to ask her out on a date, then I will try to put myself in positions that can allow for me to see her or get into one-on-one conversations with her. This may not be the normal way of doing things or what works best, but it works for me since I am the kind of guy that works best with personal conversations and not big group conversations, events, or activities. I will try to strike up conversations with the girl I want to pursue or try to find a mutual friend, activity, or interest where I can see/communicate that I am interested in her (i.e. flirting or talking).

I do know a couple friends that prefer to hang-out with a girl before asking them out on a date in order to see if they can become interested in a girl; however, that process takes longer and tends to lead to more friendzoning with women than success (at least from what I can tell). I think this is mainly from the lack of people beginning their relationship with the open idea that this person could be a possible boyfriend or girlfriend. Hanging-out situations tend to disregard that option for a care free activity that relinquishes any responsibility to either party. Yet this relinquishing of responsibility from having to put in effort towards a relationship is what leads to poor or unsuccessful relationships. With this in mind, I prefer to be straight up in my interest, let the woman know it is a date, and hope that she is someone looking to be in a relationship from the dating first and then hangout as the dating becomes more serious.

A Study of Interest

Lately I have been thinking quite a bit on how to show someone you are interested. This has often proven to be a difficult task. An even more difficult one is that of determining if the other person is interested in me. I always go back and forth in my mind trying to determine whether the girl likes or not. If she wants to date me or if she just wants to be friends. It would be easier if we could be forth coming about how much interest we have in a person, but that seems to be a social taboo for one reason or another.

Dwelling on this matter causes me to reflect on the book turned film He’s just not that into You. In this film, the character played by Justin Long gives the following advice. If a guy is interested in you, he will do whatever it takes to be with you. It doesn’t matter what it is, he will make it happen. This is actually almost entirely true. From my experience, and those of friends that I have discussed this matter with, if someone is interested, they want to be around you. They find the time, they offer suggestions of possible activities. They do what it takes to be with that person.

My sister once told me that if a girl likes you, she will talk with you. I have found this to be an interesting take on the matter. In some sense, if the girl doesn’t want to date you, or if she doesn’t like you, she isn’t likely to go through the effort to talk with you and carry on a conversation, which can be difficult for some (yours truly included). I guess it kind of goes along the lines of the previously mentioned point, if they like you, they will make it happen.

That’s all great and all, but there is also a lot of ambiguity in the two statements. The problem then arises, “To what extent does the person like me?” Is this just a strict friendship, or is it open to something more? I do I tell to what level the person of interest is interested in me? Ultimately, it often boils down to one thing. At some point you have to talk to the other person and explicitly announce your affection for them and the desire to move things up a level. Like any type of relationship, it requires communication. 

Then I run into following problem, how long do I have to wait before the discussion of a more serious relationship takes place? No one has ever given me a definite answer to this question. The most common I have seen is after three or four dates there should occur, what is often termed among the Mormon culture, a DTR (Defining the Relationship). This is a conversation where the two people discuss what they want out the relationship. Where they see it going. And lastly, if there is any mutual attraction at all. But, there is no standard as to when this should take place.

While three or four dates is the most common, there are still a number of people that would suggest five or six, or even wait a month to a month and a half of casual dating take place before a DTR takes place to determine if a more serious, mutually exclusive relationship will form between the couple. You see the problem? There are so many varying opinions that it proves impossible for a person, such as myself, to plan anything out. 

Due to the presented issues at hand, I am determined to attempt a structured, though albeit completely informal, study to determine if there is more consistency to the matter at hand then we are led to believe. The following posts will hopefully provide some more insight into the strange ritual we call dating and courtship. If nothing else, it will hopefully give me some insight into how this thing is supposed to work. 

Now let’s hope that it all works out according to plan.

A Time for Change?

I have had a number of conversations with a good friend lately. We discuss what it is like to meet a person, talk to them, ask them out, etc. It is interesting to see how our views differ on dating. These talks have also got me thinking about just how dating is supposed to work. I understand a lot of key aspects of dating and relationships, but there has always been one thing that I have never been able to figure out, let alone even begin to understand. 

My friend is constantly telling me how I need to just tell a girl that I like her. That I am interested in her and would like to date her. Don’t go through this three or four date cycle wondering and speculating, trying to find out if this girl is really interested me, just tell her what I want. This has seemed a little crazy to me, and also has been a very fruitless endeavor. I have tried a few times, after a few dates, to tell a girl that I like her and would like to date her exclusively, but the result has often been a negative one. 

Not only has that result been a negative one, but has almost entirely resulted in a complete 180 from the person of interest. Not only will she claim to not reciprocate the feelings, but she then completely ignores me and treats me as if I am some kind of creeper/stalker. I have yet to determine exactly why this occurs. 

I understand that I have some, let’s say interesting, quirks. However, I do not believe that my personality warrants such treatment. I have often toyed with the idea of when meeting a girl saying something to the effect, “I think you’re pretty cute, and I have enjoyed meeting you, perhaps you would like to grab dinner with me sometime?” Or even a situation where I see this girl and would like to meet her, I say something like, “Hey I like that shirt (or hair style, eyes, smile, etc). I’m Jono, would you like to grab an ice cream with me.”

Of course, it always works out in my head, but then I run into the problem of the girl thinking I’m a little strange and weird and being completely turned off to the idea. Thus, I have resorted to doing nothing and continue on my way not having said a word. 

Now my question is, should I be changing my tactics? Is there really some magical phrase like “I want to date you?” Would a girl be open to a guy coming up to her and saying right off the back, “Hey, you’re pretty cute.” Maybe someone could shed some light on this subject?

I suppose that I should delve a little more into my background with my interactions with the women folk to provide a clearer picture of what happens. Let’s just say in brief that I can be extremely shy if not awkward around girls. I find it difficult to think of things to talk about. I never know what to do on dates. I like to try to come up with things that will be fun, but can be difficult when you don’t know the person, as well as something I would enjoy and be comfortable doing. I usually end up deciding to have her come over to my place and cook her dinner. Not very original, but it is great for conversation. Plus I love to cook, I and I cook very well.

This usually goes well, but to be honest, I never know how to approach the next part. (I was once told that when it comes to dating, I am like a dog chasing a car. I wouldn’t know what to do with it once I catch it.) I try to keep in touch with texting (which I absolutely abhor, by the way, but participate in the social norm to appease the masses), inviting her over, or to go to some social event. You know, something that isn’t in a date setting but still allows us to spend time together and continue to get to know each other. There will then be a second and third date and that is where things start to go awry. It’s an interesting feeling having a girl avoid you like the plague for no apparent reason.

Maybe I take a little too long to reach the point where I would tell the girl I would like to date her more. But, is it wrong that I like to get to know someone before bringing up the topic? Again, is there a set time frame to follow? Also, is it too much to ask that I feel like the girl is reciprocating my feelings in at least some degree? I don’t think so.

Well, perhaps this mystery is one that will never be solved. I suppose I will continue my search for answers and if I come up with anything I will let you all know.

A Ruined Friendship

I recently had a conversation with a friend that got me thinking about something very interesting. She was in town visiting and had made some plans with a good friend of hers that she admittedly mentioned she was interested in. We talked about how she was a little confused if he could be possibly interested in her as well and if she should do anything about it. And then she said something that made me think, and even laugh a little. It is something that I have heard on numerous occasions, but yet I have never understood it as it tends to contradict another statement I hear from girls about just as much. The first is, “I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” The second, “I married my best friend.” (The second is obviously said after marriage.)

It doesn’t make sense, girls look forward to someone who is their best friend and do everything best friends would do, but yet they don’t want to chance ruining a friendship due to dating? How in the world does this logic even connect. I can understand somewhat the hesitation with wanting to date a good friend, but in my mind, if you are really friends, especially ones who do a ton of things together and enjoy each others company, why not give it a shot? The way I see one of two things will happen, things work out and you get to live happily ever after, or things don’t. If it does end and you end up not being friends afterwards, then maybe you just didn’t know each other as much as you did. Relationships have a tendency of changing people, usually from the people you think they are, to those who they really are. 

If you truly were good friends and things didn’t work out, then you should be able to continue being friends. Most people would say that it is not a good idea to remain friends with your ex, but I have always thought, why not? Just because you aren’t a good match for dating doesn’t mean you have to stop being friends. The few girls I have dated, when it ended I put forth the effort to stay friends, but at some point they decided it wasn’t worth it (at least I assume) and they faded away. Oh well. 

Well, perhaps somebody can explain to me the reasoning that goes on in a girls mind when they say something like this. As of yet I have to hear a good one. There you go, just a little thought I had.

Appreciation: A little goes a long way

In light of the holiday season I have been reflecting a lot on the wonderful things I have been blessed with throughout the years. I truly have been given plenty and often times I feel like I have received more than I possibly deserve. I have tried in recent times to be more giving of myself and serve those around me. I have found it a great way to form new relationships and strengthen old ones. Not to mention there is just a joy that comes from making other people’s day a little brighter. 

However, I often wonder how much we appreciate what we are given. I don’t mean just a simple thank-you when we receive a gift or a service, but do we try to make whomever may have given to us of what they have feel like the time and effort they put into the gift is truly welcome. I know this is something I need to work on and I still have a long way to go before I get to where I would like to be. I have seen all to often that those who give are often shortly forgotten and pushed aside by the busy lives of those around them.

Take my friend for example. They have always been a giving person and enjoy making people happy. However, this often turns against them in some form or another. I have seen this friend date quite a few people who at first appeared like great people. But they always ended up the same, once they got all they came for, they are gone. Especially one douche who mooched my friend for a lot of money then said douche throw them out upon finding something better.

An example of how showing appreciation can brighten somebody’s mood and make them feel included. Going into the education field I have had to do Student Teaching, which is teaching in a classroom for free for a semester while still paying college tuition. I had a number of students who struggled in my class and often felt like it was hopeless to think they could do well. At first I wanted to kind of leave these students off to the side and take the attitude that if they want to succeed they need to put forth the effort.

Of course, I knew that this wasn’t the correct course of action to take. I decided instead to let them know their effort was appreciated and that it wasn’t for nothing. I would help them to be able to do the work and walk them through the steps necessary to some to the right answer and them congratulate them for their efforts. It was amazing to see the change in their attitudes. Showing that their efforts were acknowledged and congratulate them for putting forth their best work made them want to continue to try hard and earn that success they often felt they could never achieve.

So, while I know we all have very busy days, and often a million and one things are constantly running through our minds, I make the challenge that we try to show more appreciation for those amazing people in our lives. Let’s not forget the ones that are constantly making an effort to make our days brighter and our lives easier, the ones who stick with us through the good and the bad, and the ones who bring us out the pits we dig for ourselves. I know I appreciate all those people in my life who have done that, and try to show it everyday.

I also include the following video for your viewing pleasure: