I have been debating when, how and if I should write this post. I’ve wanted to for a while, even maybe start a string of posts explaining my journey through this tough time of my life. I also know there have been endless articles and blog posts written on the topic. Each one from a different persons perspective, explaining that it’s okay, it’s not your fault, you’ll get through it, etc. But that is not what I want this post to be about. Yes, it will contain pieces of the afore mentioned elements, but I want this to be something more. (And to be completely honest, I am scared to write this post)
A little background to get us started. actually, no, I am diving write into the meat of the subject at hand. No need to beat around the bush giving you my back story, how I got to where I am today, that is not what I want to accomplish. So, here it goes.
I have depression. This may not come as that big of a shock, maybe it does. To me it was. It is something I have been struggling with for a long time, and it didn't want to call it depression, but until recently I felt like I could manage it. I felt alone and sad a lot of the time, but I always put on a happy face (or, at least tried to). Then within the last six months, it got worse. I felt sadder and more alone every day, I struggled to control the pain I felt, to put on that happy face, and being around people, no matter how much I wanted to be happy, it just wasn’t possible. I thought maybe it was just a passing thing, that some how I would be able to get it under control, but I couldn’t. It kept getting worse, and it started affecting my ability to focus on work, friends, or anything else really. That is when I realized I needed help.
I had been talking with a few people, trying to come up with ways to improve my situation, but it didn’t seem to be helping. I had three weeks in a row where I had complete breakdowns, crying for almost no apparent reason, trying to keep back the tears so know one would know the hurt that was inside, and most of all, afraid of everyone thinking that I wasn’t up to par with everyone else. Finally when it got to the point that I was afraid to go to work for fear of breaking down in front of my students, and some much needed encouragement from my mom, I decided it was time to do something more.
I had set an appointment with a psychologist. I wanted to talk through this problem. I thought that maybe that was all I needed, but it was a couple weeks before I would be able to see anyone, so I went to a regular physician. I was very hesitant to take this step. I didn’t want to admit that it was something I couldn’t control by myself, but I knew I needed to do something. So, I went and talked to my doctor. He prescribed for me some anti-depressants. This was the last thing I wanted. I hate medication as it is. Swallowing pills isn’t exactly my favorite thing in the world, let alone the thought of having to do it for quite possibly the rest of my life. But I needed to do something, so I went for it and took the plunge.
The doctor said it could take a few weeks to notice any difference, luckily it didn’t. It was strange at first. I got all jittery, I would fidget, much like I used to a few years ago. Sitting still was difficult unless I was busy doing something. But, you know what? I didn’t feel as sad. I’m not saying it was all gone, but I was able to start to focus more and more on work. I was able to deal with things, and process them. (Before it was like everything just weighed down on me. Sat in my mind taking up space I needed for everything else.) I still wasn’t quite to where I wanted to be, but it was a definite improvement.
I also started going to therapy. This was another scary option. I don’t exactly like talking about my feelings, let alone to a complete stranger. However, I needed someone with a fresh perspective. Someone that understood better how the mind works and help me to work through these problems. So I started going. While I haven’t been going for that long, it is amazing how much it has helped. being able to see things from a different perspective, take a different approach to certain things that gave me anxiety. It was actually very liberating. I still have a long ways to go, but I know I will make it.
The last thing that happened, was that I talked again with my doctor, and increased the dosage of my medication. while the first amount was helping, I noticed that in the mornings when I work up, I felt the worst. After taking my happy pills I would feel better, but I felt like I could still improve. So I started taking a little more. It took about a week, but things have improved a lot.
For the first time in I don’t know how long, I am happy. I can actually smile for real. It doesn’t feel like I am putting on a mask, trying to fool everyone. Yes I still have my problems and issues to work through. It is a work in progress, and it will be something that I will have to continually work on throughout my life, but, that is okay. I am excited to progress and improve every day and eventually reach my goal.
Okay, so you got the backstory, at least a really watered down version. Now to what I actually wanted to say. One of the biggest things I have learned from this experience, is that it is okay to ask for help. I enjoy being independent, and I have always prided myself as being strong enough to take on anything. I thought I could do it all on my own. But I can’t, no one can. Sometimes we need a little extra help to make it through those tough times. The amount of help is different for everyone. Not everyone needs medication, or therapy. But if you do, DO NOT be afraid to take that step. It never hurts to take that step. It is not a weakness to ask for help, no one will, or should, look down on you for requiring a little assistance from time to time. We are only able to handle so much on our own.
One more thing I want to say, is that we must try our hardest to help others. When we have overcome our own struggles, or even while we are working through them, we need to lift the burdens of others in whatever way we can. We must learn to both offer and accept help. That is how we overcome. As an individual we can accomplish a lot, but as a team, group, family, whatever you want to call it, we can achieve the impossible. We will reach the end of our journey, and we will make it to where we want to be. But first we have to ask for that help, and we have to extend our own arms to help others. We can overcome, and we will achieve victory.
thank-you for reading, and please share with your friends.
If you've made it this far, here's a great video for you:
And here's another (same song, but with the wonderfully delightful minions):
